I am broken.
The trauma that I have experienced from my parents' relationship makes me afraid to enter any relationship.
I am scared to fall .
Once I believed that I can never fall.
I thought that all those crazy things that happened to me in the past have already given me wings.
Sadly, all of those are lies.
Now, I am deeply bothered that "that" one person who has a special place in the muscle inside my chest is deeply, deeply in love with someone else.
That person that he likes let's call her she. She is like an angel fallen from the sky, beautiful, almost perfect. She seems sweet, intelligent, talented, and all, but to top all of that up, he's so, deeply, madly in love with her.
So, my dearest, tell me is there any possible way to compete with her when I know that I don't even reach half of her level?
It's so depressing, mind-boggling, heart-aching.
This, I hate this. This is a piece of shitty crap.
But this is my reality- a piece of shitty crap.
Even if he is all that I ever wanted, she is everything to him, she is everything that he ever wanted. I, on the other hand want him to be happy. So even if he's happiness hurts me, ironically, I would be happily be sad and hurting for him and his happiness.
I always had that chance to talk to him, to tell him that I liked him very much, as much as the water in the deep blue sea and as long as there are those countless stars in the evening sky. I like him as much as I would like to continue breathing. I like him as much as I would like a love song - I like him over and over and over again.
But for years, I too know that he wouldn't feel the same for me, no matter how hard I fall for him, no matter what I do for him, even if I give him my all, its a fucking fact. You could say that for years all of these efforts to become someone better, physically and socially, was all for him. But 'till now, it still is not enough.
Now, my heart is shattered again, and now, I'm tired.
Plenty of times I have tried, believe me, I tried my hardest to ignore this feeling for him, but whenever he does "those" things, when he's just being himself, it comes back, my love for him.
I love him because he's he.
Because he does those things that he do.
Because he say those things that he says.
Because he act like the way he acts.
I'm being corny, ridiculous, and pathetic, yes, but it's the only thing that I could do and I don't want to bother him. Its just frustrating that I have cried silently, to the point that I almost lost my breathe just because my crush will be having a girlfriend. The pain inside my chest, I try my hardest to hide them as much as I can. I hide them with smiles, with my eyes, with avoidance, with ignorance, with humor, with countless ways there is. But sometimes I just lose control and show him my annoyance of him.
But, since they love each other, I can never wish them bad. I really hope the best for them and their relationship. Too bad he can't wait for me.
Now all I can say is that I pray to GOD that He would introduce to me the guy that could understand me and love me despite of all my shortcomings and ugliness.
I wish them happiness. But I also wish that he would just let me be. I wish that he would just let me avoid him, because that way it would hurt less than the way that it hurts when he acts like he's interested with me when in reality he thinks I'm a piece of crap and treats me like I'm invisible.
Damn this sadness.
