It's the third of this title. It's like a movie series.
But as the title indicates I'm currently at one of those times where my spirits are at ground level and are constantly moving in a negative manner.
I know, I whine too much already.
I am not thankful of what I have and what I am able to do. But instead I always think of the things that didn't happen and those that I can't do and things which I am not.
But I can't help it. For now, I feel as weak as ever.
It's sad that I can only tell this to my PC. It's funny that though I have many friends and a lot of people claim that they love me and care for me no one ever saw through and cares to destroy the wall that I have built to separate myself from everyone.
Everyone thinks that I am normal. But it is only God and Me who knows that I am perfectly not. I am already broken and whenever sadness visits me every other day I feel like I'm going to be pulverized.
I was once asked if I was afraid to die.
I answered NO.
Why would I be afraid? Of the manner may be. I'm quite curious and nervous of the manner that my life would end. But the very fact that I shall leave this mortal body and mind. I certainly am not.
Why should I, when dying also means that I would not meet up again with this sadness that consumes me greedily whenever it creeps out of my memory?
What fear would the fact that memories of the past won't hurt me anymore would 'cause?
Should I fear death when if I die there certainly no more disappointments, misdeeds, sadness, and failure?
I once thought that a love, so true, could help cure all my hurts but,
Love takes too long.
Maybe love won't come?
Love is certainly uncertain,
so now I put the end of all this sadness that I feel in the hands of GOD and of death.
I'm just turning 20 but my heart's so heavy I don't care what things I won't be able to do anymore.
I have not experienced love. Was not able to love and be love in return. But no, even that fact won't make me regret death.
I am truly tired. Though it is a sin I am starting to pray that everything would end soon.
I wonder. Though the closest people that I love dearly knows whenever I shed a tear, do they know why?
Of course, no one, not even my own mother has an idea how big my scar is, and how many blood I have lost because of the life that I have lived.
Even when I was a child, I did things like any other children would do. But unlike me, they have not experienced crying themselves to sleep for a month.
I blame no one for all of my pain. Why? For I know that I am part to blame.
If only I was strong then I was strong then I could be able to overcome all of this hurts and I could make the memories as inspirations and not as nightmares that hunts all my nights.
I cling to GOD because HE's words made my heart calm. But even that I'm not strong enough to do. I'm not strong enough to cling on to HIM that I may not feel this ridiculous pain anymore. I always get swept by these hurts and become the pathetic me again.
Now, I'm also tired of waiting for love.
I've grown tired. Even the hope of meeting the one destined for me I have lost. Now the only thing that holds me back from suicide is the fact that suicide is a sin. If only it wasn't everything would be very peaceful by now.
