Well I have made this blog for me to have a journal during despondent moments of my ever so challenged life. Now, after less than a year, I am here again, whining about my life and everything.
I am truly, truly grateful to GOD for giving me all HIS gifts. But I don't know, I just have to let this all out before I lose the sanity I have left.
So now, what happened? Well nothing much, it's just that all our expectations, our plans for this coming third semester have all been dumped down, which makes my college life, a disgracing 6-year experience!!!! MY GOODNESS!!!! I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have taken my course, maybe I shouldn't have enrolled at my astonishing school! DAMN! It's just so irritating. HIGHLY IRRITATING! It's so irritating that my eyes have gone tired of crying. My heart has been squeezed out of all the hope that it has! Everything that's happening is just making me feel so, so stupid!!! I feel like I'm the MOST STUPIDEST of all creations. Is this a punishment for all of the bad things I have done? Why am I being struck with such problems?
I'm so tired. I'm so tired that if I die right this moment I won't even have regrets. If someone kills me, I would gladly forgive that person, might even thank him/her. No, I'm not suicidal, but if death is the only thing that could put an end to all the problems in my life, then, may God's will be fulfilled.
I am very tired of making the people around me disappointed. I'm tired of giving and showing them the things they least expect from me. I am tired of feeling so insecure of everything about myself. I feel so useless. I feel not needed. The feeling inside my chest is so heavy that it's so hard to breathe. It feels like that my heart has been broken and is being continuously shattered as time goes by, its being pulverized.
Nothing feels even lonelier than being alone amidst the people who loves you. Nothing feels even more shameful than having that same kind of shame over, and over, and over again.
No, I know there's no one to blame, not even a single soul to blame for my misfortuned life. There's no one who could share this unseen sadness that doesn't even fades through time. There's not even a single ear that has heard the screaming cry of the deafening sadness inside my heart.
Being angry is sometimes even more acceptable and less painful than being in a despondency level such as this. I can't even forgive myself for still being alive, for still experiencing life's gifts. I wish GOD could help me ease this pain sooner.
I want to break away from humanity for a day or even a week, or even forever. I want to walk in the middle of the heavily pouring rain, through the blowing wind, under the sad, dark sky. Thinking, that while in a depressing environment my own sadness could be lightened.
Everything is such a blur, a tainted glass. My life seems to be a never-ending cliff that I have fallen into. I can't breathe a single breath any longer. I'm endlessly breaking my heart into pieces.
Nothing is being accomplished. Despite of all my efforts. Despite of all my hardships. Despite of all my sacrifices. Despite all of the pain and wounds. Not even one is being accomplished. Even I, myself can't recognize any of the trash that I have made. Please, can anyone end this pain? Can anyone end this misery?
I am lost and am very tired of being lost. I don't want to quit. But my soul is losing all it's strength, my mind it's sanity, my heart all it's love. All my faith, all my hope, all my trust, is being drifted away from me.
Now being alone seems to be less lonelier. I have lost my faith that I could be loved and that I could ever love any man even more than friends. I just want to be alone, be forever alone, I guess, and breathe once again.
