I Feel So STUPID

The title says it all.
I feel so stupid.
I feel like the most stupid person on earth.
I feel so ugly.

I feel so negative.
I'm currently a computer engineering student. I was supposed to finish my course a year ago. But because of my stupidity and incompetence, I've been held back for two years. Every time someone asks me, I blame my school, its rules and all, but deep inside I blame no one but myself. I really feel so stupid, so stupid I want to die.
I have never felt so stupid and useless in my life. I feel like garbage.
I know, I'm complaining too much and that I shouldn't but I can't help it. Even my parents say that I'm stupid, how could I possibly think that I'm not when even the persons who're supposed to think that I'm good, says that? It hurts, it really hurts.

Now, I failed, 2 subjects again. All in all I have already failed 8 subjects. It's a shame, I'm a shame. I feel like I'm a good for nothing person. I feel like even if I die, no tear is even worth crying. I feel horrible.

Yes, I want to be consoled. But I know, I know that I don't deserve that for my stupidity is not something that can be mended. It is not something that can be changed. All my life I believed that I'm not stupid, that I excel above some people, but right now I feel lower than rats. I feel that my ideas are useless.

Even if many of my classmates are at the same position as I am, I cannot put us at the same situation. They have something more than what I have, they have this certain edge. But I on the other hand can only self pity.
I try I really do. I study, and I study hard but I really don't know why I just couldn't get it.

Is this a punishment?
Do I have to realize something for this to end?
Am I just that plain stupid?

It hurts. It hurts more than dying. It feels like my heart is being shredded.
It hurts so much that even when I'm at a public place, I can't help to cry, I can't help but to self pity, I can't help but to hate myself.
I really don't know what to do. Again, I have failed my parents, I have shamed and disappointed them.

I really am a good for nothing and I really wanna DIE.
I want all of this hurt to END.
Can I just STOP?
The sadness suffocates me, and blinds me from everything good around me, why?

Posted in : , , , , | 0 Comments


an APRIL FOOL

I am broken.

The trauma that I have experienced from my parents' relationship makes me afraid to enter any relationship.
I am scared to fall .     


Once I believed that I can never fall.
I thought that all those crazy things that happened to me in the past have already given me wings.
Sadly, all of those are lies.

Now, I am deeply bothered that "that" one person who has a special place in the muscle inside my chest is deeply, deeply in love with someone else.

That person that he likes let's call her she. She is like an angel fallen from the sky, beautiful, almost perfect. She seems sweet, intelligent, talented, and all, but to top all of that up, he's so, deeply, madly in love with her.
So, my dearest, tell me is there any possible way to compete with her when I know that I don't even reach half of her level?

It's so depressing, mind-boggling, heart-aching.
This, I hate this. This is a piece of shitty crap.
But this is my reality- a piece of shitty crap.

Even if he is all that I ever wanted, she is everything to him, she is everything that he ever wanted. I, on the other hand want him to be happy. So even if he's happiness hurts me, ironically, I would be happily be sad and hurting for him and his happiness.

I always had that chance to talk to him, to tell him that I liked him very much, as much as the water in the deep blue sea and as long as there are those countless stars in the evening sky. I like him as much as I would like to continue breathing. I like him as much as I would like a love song - I like him over and over and over again.

I love him.


But for years, I too know that he wouldn't feel the same for me, no matter how hard I fall for him, no matter what I do for him, even if I give him my all, its a fucking fact. You could say that for years all of these efforts to become someone better, physically and socially, was all for him. But 'till now, it still is not enough.
Now, my heart is shattered again, and now, I'm tired.
Plenty of times I have tried, believe me, I tried my hardest to ignore this feeling for him, but whenever he does "those" things, when he's just being himself, it comes back, my love for him.
I love him.
I love him because he's he.
Because he does those things that he do.
Because he say those things that he says.
Because he act like the way he acts.

I'm being corny, ridiculous, and pathetic, yes, but it's the only thing that I could do and I don't want to bother him. Its just frustrating that I have cried silently, to the point that I almost lost my breathe just because my crush will be having a girlfriend.  The pain inside my chest, I try my hardest to hide them as much as I can. I hide them with smiles, with my eyes, with avoidance, with ignorance, with humor, with countless ways there is. But sometimes I just lose control and show him my annoyance of him.
But, since they love each other, I can never wish them bad. I really hope the best for them and their relationship. Too bad he can't wait for me.

Now all I can say is that I pray to GOD that He would introduce to me the guy that could understand me and love me despite of all my shortcomings and ugliness.

I wish them happiness. But I also wish that he would just let me be. I wish that he would just let me avoid him, because that way it would hurt less than the way that it hurts when he acts like he's interested with me when in reality he thinks I'm a piece of crap and treats me like I'm invisible.

Damn this sadness. 

| 0 Comments


I ain't kind,
I ain't bad,
I do lie,
I do hide,
I am what I am,
you are what you are.

WE are created by HIM all the same,
we are all different in our own way.
Life is like a gamble, a game.
What's gonna happen next no one can say.

Posted in : | 0 Comments


Enrollment Melancholy 1

My dear,
this I tell you,
your eyes may tear,
your heart may break,
though you, nor they don't mean it,
your feelings will be hurt.

Your soul may drain,
of shame, of hurt,
your hope may be squeezed out,
your life may be ruined,

you may be blamed,
by someone, by yourself,
you may be stepped upon,
you may be taken down

My dear,
this life's a battle
All things can and will happen,
All things may come,
and yes all things may go.

There will be a lot of hellos,
a thousand goodbyes,
a life-long realization,
of things, of life.

I may have met many,
but I may truly know none,
I may have experienced a lot,
but have learned none.

My mind's in a maze,
a never-ending one.
I am despondent.
I am down.
I am depressed.

I may be hopeful,
I may be optimistic,
But I may be dying,
I may be fading.

My dear, I am no one,
I have accomplished none,
and I may soon die,
yes, I have gone almost suicidal,
BUT my life is not mine.

This world it ain't very harsh,
This life ain't kind,
All things happen,
though we don't want to believe
it will lead to something that's ought to happen

| 0 Comments


Enrollment Melancholy

Well I have made this blog for me to have a journal during despondent moments of my ever so challenged life. Now, after less than a year, I am here again, whining about my life and everything.

I am truly, truly grateful to GOD for giving me all HIS gifts. But I don't know, I just have to let this all out before I lose the sanity I have left.


So now, what happened? Well nothing much, it's just that all our expectations, our plans for this coming third semester have all been dumped down, which makes my college life, a disgracing 6-year experience!!!! MY GOODNESS!!!! I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have taken my course, maybe I shouldn't have enrolled at my astonishing school! DAMN! It's just so irritating. HIGHLY IRRITATING! It's so irritating that my eyes have gone tired of crying. My heart has been squeezed out of all the hope that it has! Everything that's happening is just making me feel so, so stupid!!! I feel like I'm the MOST STUPIDEST of all creations. Is this a punishment for all of the bad things I have done? Why am I being struck with such problems?


I'm so tired. I'm so tired that if I die right this moment I won't even have regrets. If someone kills me, I would gladly forgive that person, might even thank him/her. No, I'm not suicidal, but if death is the only thing that could put an end to all the problems in my life, then, may God's will be fulfilled.


I am very tired of making the people around me disappointed. I'm tired of giving and showing them the things they least expect from me. I am tired of feeling so insecure of everything about myself. I feel so useless. I feel not needed. The feeling inside my chest is so heavy that it's so hard to breathe. It feels like that my heart has been broken and is being continuously shattered as time goes by, its being pulverized.


Nothing feels even lonelier than being alone amidst the people who loves you.
Nothing feels even more shameful than having that same kind of shame over, and over, and over again.


No, I know there's no one to blame, not even a single soul to blame for my misfortuned life. There's no one who could share this unseen sadness that doesn't even fades through time. There's not even a single ear that has heard the screaming cry of the deafening sadness inside my heart.


Being angry is sometimes even more acceptable and less painful than being in a despondency level such as this. I can't even forgive myself for still being alive, for still experiencing life's gifts. I wish GOD could help me ease this pain sooner.


I want to break away from humanity for a day or even a week, or even forever. I want to walk in the middle of the heavily pouring rain, through the blowing wind, under the sad, dark sky. Thinking, that while in a depressing environment my own sadness could be lightened.


Everything is such a blur, a tainted glass. My life seems to be a never-ending cliff that I have fallen into. I can't breathe a single breath any longer. I'm endlessly breaking my heart into pieces.


Nothing is being accomplished. Despite of all my efforts. Despite of all my hardships. Despite of all my sacrifices. Despite all of the pain and wounds. Not even one is being accomplished. Even I, myself can't recognize any of the trash that I have made. Please, can anyone end this pain? Can anyone end this misery?



I am lost and am very tired of being lost. I don't want to quit. But my soul is losing all it's strength, my mind it's sanity, my heart all it's love. All my faith, all my hope, all my trust, is being drifted away from me.
Now being alone seems to be less lonelier. I have lost my faith that I could be loved and that I could ever love any man even more than friends. I just want to be alone, be forever alone, I guess, and breathe once again.

| 0 Comments


An Unsure Despondency

I'm tired of feeling this.

I'm hating this feeling.

Slowly, it has been consuming all the Love that I have left.

A bit more, there won't be any love left to offer to anybody.

All men are alike, no one can be trusted.



I have already said that I have forgiven my father for all the hurts that he has made us felt.

I do, I really do.

But it's too unfair. He keeps on doing the same mistake.

I do know that I have no right to talk about my father this way.

I have no right to disrespect him no matter what he has done.

And, I'm not. I'm a good-for-nothing child. So never will I have the idea of doing so.

I am not hating my father. No, I cannot do that either.

It's just that I'M CONFUSED.

I'm really confused right now.

If there's one thing I hate my father for it is that, he made my mother a paranoid.
She always worries. Always making those speculations. She's always thinking bad of my father. I, once, protected my father from those baseless accusations of my mother but, ever since I have proved myself wrong, I stopped.
I have always thought that my father loved us and we loved him enough for him to be faithful to my mum, to our family. But then I saw proof that all of that was a big LIE. I saw his pictures with another girl. From that day onward, I believed everything my mother suspected.

Is that bad?

Am I being too unfair?

But I have already gave him a thousand chances.

Is he thinking that his fault is to my mother only?

Is he not thinking of how we're going to feel because of what he's doing?

I know it's bad, but I have put my father on top of all men.

For me no one, no man, can ever be more than my father.

If I look at my father that way, then I guess I have no right to enter any relationship at all. I'll only get my heart more broken and will only break innocent hearts.

Am I going to burn in hell for this?

I wish, I have always wished that someone could someday prove me wrong. Until then I have to endure this hurt that's consuming all of me. May that someone come before I can bare it no more, I really hope so.

| 0 Comments


Deep Despondency 4

I have read from a blog two lines:

No one will ever know the pain I feel inside.

Crying never seems to help.

I'm truly sorry if to some all of my articles are worthless. But I can never tell all these pains. All my hurts would just multiply if I do. So, I have to deal with it through this way.


This pain. It hurts.

But this can never be told to anyone.

Once a very important person to me said, with eyes red and swelling from crying,
with eyes that floods from tears, "Never tell anyone of our problem. It is a family issue. Never spread nor show our dirty linens".

That was what I did.

I never broke that.

I will never let anything leak. Not even you, a person that I know none of,
and in return no none of me, no not even you can have a single clue.

Listening to sad things are bothersome and is certainly boring,
I don't know if anyone would be reading this aside from me but that's just the case.

I can never trust anyone completely.

Not anymore.

For even the truth is not enough for someone to live peacefully.

Sometimes being alone and lonely seems to be the only solution to resolved this chaotic pain inside of me.

I prayed earnestly for it to all go away.
But life never seems to be contented and adds up burden to the piles of sadness and hurts inside of me.

I think I'd do better on my own, no friends, no fights,just me...alone


I'm really done.

This wall around me that I have built seems to be growing by itself and the people around me seems to not notice it.

Soon, very soon, I shall be trapped in this sad, sad place forever,
and no one, not even one can save me anymore.

Putting up this facade is becoming really hard.
But not even until my last breath shall I give up in putting this facade.

I wonder why, I really do.
Everytime I become as sad as this, I feel farther and farther away from everyone.
Why is that so?

Someday, if this won't stop, perhaps I couldn't reach them anymore.

But my decision is still the same.
No one could ever make me release all these pain.
I'll keep it inside of me.

But, though it may be impossible I truly wish that one day,
someone so desperate enough would make me do.

Posted in : | 0 Comments

About Me

My photo
I am in a journey of knowing myself - who I really am and what I really want. I tend to isolate myself from everything at times, but it's something that I need. A breakaway from reality, moments of solitude, I love having them quite often than ordinary. My heart is already shattered but glued back up, I'm waiting for someone that can understand that and love me still. This blog is updated mostly when I'm at the top of my emotions to the point that I cannot contain them anymore, so what you shall read are quite emotional and pathetic stuffs. Enjoy and feast on someone else's burden. joke. haha. That's all.;)

Followers