I'm 18, turning 19 this coming Wednesday.
Lots of things are crossing my mind as of now. A lot of questions are seeking answers. A lot of but's and what if's are interfering every decision that I make. I guess this is the burden of getting near the exit door of teenage life.
I can never deny, though no matter how hard I've tried to not to have any regrets in this short life of mine, that so far my regrets are far more greater than what I have expected.
It's a fact that I'm 18 and I'm useless and a great failure to everyone and to myself. I can never thank God enough that though I am this looser I am pretty lucky to have my family,relatives and friends that I have now. I am lucky to be able to enjoy my 6955 and 3/4 days of my life with all the people that I have with me today.
A lot of downs came into my life.
True, I have blamed too many people for this downs. But I surely know that all this hurt were mostly self-inflicted. The people to whom I have shared parts of this hurts cannot be more than the fingers of my right hand, and my right hand, by the way, is quite normal. Telling people what is inside of me seems so easy for me, in the eyes of some. But, what's true is that I'm as coward as any weakling that you could ever know. I don't really tell people, even those I so much trust, my feelings and thoughts because I feel that they can't really sympathize with me. I somehow feel that they don't feel my pain, and takes me lightly. And for some reason I just keep all this hurts inside of me and deals with them alone. To me, that is better than telling anyone or letting anyone infiltrate my little room of depression and fears.
But my family, as if they know that I am holding some hurt deep in me does things that heals me and partly makes my mind and heart forget all of the issues that they have to deal with. Mostly I escape, from the truth and the reality and for now I have no plans of avoiding that and dealing with all the emotions that is flooding inside of me. Perhaps my heart is like a canister, filled with so many hurts that after I shed tears from it, is forever stored in my heart. I don't know if I could ever let go of these hurt that makes me set too many limitations, makes me fear too many steps that I should have taken. That time will surely come, I know, I just know that someday something or someone could make me spill all that emotions and give me the strength to hold no more fears for the rest of the remaining years that I shall live my life.
~♥~
