It has been a pretty tough year for me.
To think that it has only been 6 months since this year have started. But for me all the hardships that I have encountered seemed like decades. It has been extremely sad to go through all of that stuffs. But, what am I to do?
Well,it's a good thing that I don't have any heart ailments. 'Cause if I do have one, I'd probably be dead right now. Crying is so painful. But pretending to be alright despite the fact that you're not, that's a burden that you have to bear, unless you want to be more hurt by the thought that you have made the people you value sadder. For you have not only hurt / disappointed them but you have also made them worried sick for you even though you're very much unworthy of it .
I have been in bad terms with a number of people this past months. But one of them, I have never really thought of being in such a bad term like this in my wildest dreams. Honestly his so kind. But he's quite sensitive. Thus, perhaps that's the reason why a small misunderstanding lead to something like this. It's quite pathetic. Well, for me being ignored by someone dear to you is the worst! But his not like someone whom I can't live without. So the sadness turned to disappointment, then curiosity, then anger until well I don't care about him anymore. That's the worst situation a person could be, if he wants to be my friend. (chuckles)
Oh well, what can I do, I have said my apologies, I tried to be in good terms, I have done everything I think I should do. For him, I've even lowered my pride which I have only done to people not more than the number fingers on my hand in my whole life.
I've even waited, but he, even said cruel things to me. Now, he apologizes.
I am certainly not mad anymore, I just don't care.
That's all.
Nevertheless, to my ever loving family and relatives, my love for you shall never ever fade. I shall value you, oh so precious people, more than anyone in this place called earth. No one and no time shall there would be the occurrence that my ever so fun peer friends shall surpass my ever so unerasable programmed love for you. And if it were not programmed I shall reformat my system to program it once again. Even though I have encountered what, to me, seemed like insurmountable problems which, I thought, were too heavy for my age and psychological and emotional status, I GRATEFULLY THANK GOD with all the gratitude any living human could give for with those problems HE, the ever so powerful GOD gave me a family like mine, and relatives like such. We may not be perfectly loving towards each other, but I know that this love, unlike other shall never fade.
I LOVE GOD.
I LOVE MY FAMILY.
I LOVE MY RELATIVES.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS.
thanks to all for this ever so glorious 19th year of my ever so colorful life.
~love lots,
♥♥♥ dice ♥♥♥
I'm 18, turning 19 this coming Wednesday.
Lots of things are crossing my mind as of now. A lot of questions are seeking answers. A lot of but's and what if's are interfering every decision that I make. I guess this is the burden of getting near the exit door of teenage life.
I can never deny, though no matter how hard I've tried to not to have any regrets in this short life of mine, that so far my regrets are far more greater than what I have expected.
It's a fact that I'm 18 and I'm useless and a great failure to everyone and to myself. I can never thank God enough that though I am this looser I am pretty lucky to have my family,relatives and friends that I have now. I am lucky to be able to enjoy my 6955 and 3/4 days of my life with all the people that I have with me today.
A lot of downs came into my life.
True, I have blamed too many people for this downs. But I surely know that all this hurt were mostly self-inflicted. The people to whom I have shared parts of this hurts cannot be more than the fingers of my right hand, and my right hand, by the way, is quite normal. Telling people what is inside of me seems so easy for me, in the eyes of some. But, what's true is that I'm as coward as any weakling that you could ever know. I don't really tell people, even those I so much trust, my feelings and thoughts because I feel that they can't really sympathize with me. I somehow feel that they don't feel my pain, and takes me lightly. And for some reason I just keep all this hurts inside of me and deals with them alone. To me, that is better than telling anyone or letting anyone infiltrate my little room of depression and fears.
But my family, as if they know that I am holding some hurt deep in me does things that heals me and partly makes my mind and heart forget all of the issues that they have to deal with. Mostly I escape, from the truth and the reality and for now I have no plans of avoiding that and dealing with all the emotions that is flooding inside of me. Perhaps my heart is like a canister, filled with so many hurts that after I shed tears from it, is forever stored in my heart. I don't know if I could ever let go of these hurt that makes me set too many limitations, makes me fear too many steps that I should have taken. That time will surely come, I know, I just know that someday something or someone could make me spill all that emotions and give me the strength to hold no more fears for the rest of the remaining years that I shall live my life.
~♥~
I know that i can't do anything to clean up this mess.
But as they say we can learn many things from the hurts and sadness that we experienced.
It has been a long time since I noticed that my actions and thoughts are far from what good people do. My realization of my true attitude helped me to clarify things inside my mind.
I am currently broken. My spirit is down to the ground. It can't be revived anymore.
I have lost my self-trust and my trust for other people. I have lost my hope and my faith to other people. I'm afraid that I can never treat them as I did before. I hate disappointing someone as much as I hate being failed by someone. I have learned to trust them with all my heart but they have failed me and this failure messed up my life greatly.
You can say that my spirits is dead and can never ever be revived again.
Thus, no other solution can be made other than to start all over again.
I have died, therefore I should live again.
I should not fail this time around.
My time and love for those I have trusted but failed me shall never be the same again.
I am a very optimistic person. I may be emotional but I am far more optimistic than anybody I know. I hate depending upon other people and mostly do things by my own. I refuse help and advice most of the time especially those from people whom I don't really know. I don't lose hope 'till the very end. I can think of a solution to many problems that other find hopeless.
So, do you see how down my emotions are?I have trusted and depended to these people but, they have failed me.
Now I've learned my lessons well. I shall never depend upon someone again. My family have been always there for me and have not failed me.
The circle that I have been trying to expand shrank down to my family again.
I made up my mind and nothing more can change this.
I shall start all over again.
Despondency is the depression of the spirits from loss of hope, confidence, or courage; dejection.
Things happen and eventually, this feeling comes around every now and then.
A college student, not intelligent but certainly not a lout(for if she is, how come she was able to enter college?), at least, 'till this very moment from her own perspective. But the time has come that she accepts that everything she knew can't be always true.'Till now, being an optimist was pretty easy. But, everything positive seems to be a dream for her at this point of her life. She, who can never fall asleep again.
Perhaps she has not given her all. But her best was somehow at its most.
So why?
Its so frustrating.
Stupidity can cause a broken heart.
Everyone's pretty much disappointed. Everyone around her has been turned down.
The feeling of guilt is more than the heart can ever handle. This sadness is extremely consuming any goodness that can ever be found inside of her.
Why blame parents?
Why blame classmates?
Why blame other people?
The love of the people around her that leads to pointing fingers on whether who's fault this mistake is, adds up to the storm in her heart.
Please blame only the person at fault.
Please stop blaming anyone else.
This stupidity. This mistake and idiocy is the sole responsibility of one person.
It's my fault.
My stupidity and carelessness.
My idiocy and helplessness.
The hopeless person you know is the only one to blame.
It's heart breaking, accepting all the lectures and stuffs. But, hearing people I love, blame each other for my fault is like tearing my heart apart.
I can never know when I can revive my soul again.
I loved myself, once.
But now, there's nothing left in me but disappointments, sadness, and guilt.
My sorry is certainly not enough to mend broken expectations.
I know, but I can't do anything else.
My existence has turned out to be a useless waste.
I don't feel like living anymore. I don't feel like I deserve anything anymore. My emotions are down to the ground.
Hiding this is too much.
But the people that I love can not be worried anymore. They're disappointments shouldn't be added with sadness and worries.
I feel like i'm melting. This depression makes me tired to live and continue life. I wish I could die. I know wishing that the end would come at this point is something pitiful. But I can't take anymore sadness than this. I'm so down and I wanna breakdown. I wanna disappear and be forgotten. I don't want to ruin anymore expectations.
I will accept any criticism that anyone, even those whom I don't know, will give. Perhaps that's what I deserve. I'm so tired. I've gone tired of smiling. Pretending that everything is alright. Believing that there can still be hope, that everything will be alright. These are just lies, or perhaps true only for those who aren't as stupid as me.
