Talking Thoughts

I'm tired of feeling this.

I'm hating this feeling.

Slowly, it has been consuming all the Love that I have left.

A bit more, there won't be any love left to offer to anybody.

All men are alike, no one can be trusted.

I have already said that I have forgiven my father for all the hurts that he has made us felt.

I do, I really do.

But it's too unfair. He keeps on doing the same mistake.

I do know that I have no right to talk about my father this way.

I have no right to disrespect him no matter what he has done.

And, I'm not. I'm a good-for-nothing child. So never will I have the idea of doing so.

I am not hating my father. No, I cannot do that either.

It's just that I'M CONFUSED.

I'm really confused right now.

If there's one thing I hate my father for it is that, he made my mother a paranoid.
She always worries. Always making those speculations. She's always thinking bad of my father. I, once, protected my father from those baseless accusations of my mother but, ever since I have proved myself wrong, I stopped.
I have always thought that my father loved us and we loved him enough for him to be faithful to my mum, to our family. But then I saw proof that all of that was a big LIE. I saw his pictures with another girl. From that day onward, I believed everything my mother suspected.

Is that bad?

Am I being too unfair?

But I have already gave him a thousand chances.

Is he thinking that his fault is to my mother only?

Is he not thinking of how we're going to feel because of what he's doing?

I know it's bad, but I have put my father on top of all men.

For me no one, no man, can ever be more than my father.

If I look at my father that way, then I guess I have no right to enter any relationship at all. I'll only get my heart more broken and will only break innocent hearts.

Am I going to burn in hell for this?

I wish, I have always wished that someone could someday prove me wrong. Until then I have to endure this hurt that's consuming all of me. May that someone come before I can bare it no more, I really hope so.

I have read from a blog two lines:

No one will ever know the pain I feel inside.

Crying never seems to help.

I'm truly sorry if to some all of my articles are worthless. But I can never tell all these pains. All my hurts would just multiply if I do. So, I have to deal with it through this way.

This pain. It hurts.

But this can never be told to anyone.

Once a very important person to me said, with eyes red and swelling from crying,
with eyes that floods from tears, "Never tell anyone of our problem. It is a family issue. Never spread nor show our dirty linens".

That was what I did.

I never broke that.

I will never let anything leak. Not even you, a person that I know none of,
and in return no none of me, no not even you can have a single clue.

Listening to sad things are bothersome and is certainly boring,
I don't know if anyone would be reading this aside from me but that's just the case.

I can never trust anyone completely.

Not anymore.

For even the truth is not enough for someone to live peacefully.

Sometimes being alone and lonely seems to be the only solution to resolved this chaotic pain inside of me.

I prayed earnestly for it to all go away.
But life never seems to be contented and adds up burden to the piles of sadness and hurts inside of me.

I think I'd do better on my own, no friends, no fights,just me...alone

I'm really done.

This wall around me that I have built seems to be growing by itself and the people around me seems to not notice it.

Soon, very soon, I shall be trapped in this sad, sad place forever,
and no one, not even one can save me anymore.

Putting up this facade is becoming really hard.
But not even until my last breath shall I give up in putting this facade.

I wonder why, I really do.
Everytime I become as sad as this, I feel farther and farther away from everyone.
Why is that so?

Someday, if this won't stop, perhaps I couldn't reach them anymore.

But my decision is still the same.
No one could ever make me release all these pain.
I'll keep it inside of me.

But, though it may be impossible I truly wish that one day,
someone so desperate enough would make me do.

It's the third of this title. It's like a movie series.

But as the title indicates I'm currently at one of those times where my spirits are at ground level and are constantly moving in a negative manner.

I know, I whine too much already.

I am not thankful of what I have and what I am able to do. But instead I always think of the things that didn't happen and those that I can't do and things which I am not.

But I can't help it. For now, I feel as weak as ever.

It's sad that I can only tell this to my PC. It's funny that though I have many friends and a lot of people claim that they love me and care for me no one ever saw through and cares to destroy the wall that I have built to separate myself from everyone.

Everyone thinks that I am normal. But it is only God and Me who knows that I am perfectly not. I am already broken and whenever sadness visits me every other day I feel like I'm going to be pulverized.

I was once asked if I was afraid to die.

I answered NO.

Why would I be afraid? Of the manner may be. I'm quite curious and nervous of the manner that my life would end. But the very fact that I shall leave this mortal body and mind. I certainly am not.

Why should I, when dying also means that I would not meet up again with this sadness that consumes me greedily whenever it creeps out of my memory?
What fear would the fact that memories of the past won't hurt me anymore would 'cause?
Should I fear death when if I die there certainly no more disappointments, misdeeds, sadness, and failure?

I once thought that a love, so true, could help cure all my hurts but,

Love takes too long.

Maybe love won't come?

Love is certainly uncertain,

so now I put the end of all this sadness that I feel in the hands of GOD and of death.


I'm just turning 20 but my heart's so heavy I don't care what things I won't be able to do anymore.

I have not experienced love. Was not able to love and be love in return. But no, even that fact won't make me regret death.

I am truly tired. Though it is a sin I am starting to pray that everything would end soon.

I wonder. Though the closest people that I love dearly knows whenever I shed a tear, do they know why?

Of course, no one, not even my own mother has an idea how big my scar is, and how many blood I have lost because of the life that I have lived.

Even when I was a child, I did things like any other children would do. But unlike me, they have not experienced crying themselves to sleep for a month.

I blame no one for all of my pain. Why? For I know that I am part to blame.

If only I was strong then I was strong then I could be able to overcome all of this hurts and I could make the memories as inspirations and not as nightmares that hunts all my nights.

I cling to GOD because HE's words made my heart calm. But even that I'm not strong enough to do. I'm not strong enough to cling on to HIM that I may not feel this ridiculous pain anymore. I always get swept by these hurts and become the pathetic me again.

Now, I'm also tired of waiting for love.
I've grown tired. Even the hope of meeting the one destined for me I have lost. Now the only thing that holds me back from suicide is the fact that suicide is a sin. If only it wasn't everything would be very peaceful by now.

My awkward behaviors/traits are secrets to most of the people who assume that they know me. In my hope of changing myself for the better I have composed this post, so that someday I may boast to myself that I no longer do or no longer am the awkward person I once know, I HOPE. ;)

But if ten years have passed and none of this unlikable behaviors fade from my system, I think I have to accept my uniqueness and people who would like to know me better might just have to deal with it, right? ^_^


- Close relatives and friends that wanted to contribute to my shame gave me weird and and funny nicknames. Though even after a hundred years this could't be erased from my history I have still included it because it is still a part of me, somehow. ( I provided bits of explanation for each so that you can somehow understand ) :

dice - mama gave this to me!yes, it's not funny but people say it's weird 'cause it's not at all related to my name, Desiree, and they can't accept the explanation that Desiree if you pronounce it in a very slang manner, you'll end up with dice. haha XD

tiliktilik - this is the MOST embarrassing of all the nicknames. my grandlolo gave this to me. Again it's related to Desiree. I swear! Somehow if you play with my name you will come to a point where you would realize that Desiree and tiliktilik sound alike. HAHAHAHA ;P

titay - now this. Well it came from the word desire, where my name also came from. Yes, you'll have to play with the word also in order to understand my explanation.

secret - This is because of my secret. Well my secret is still a secret that I won't share, perhaps few more years and I shall have the courage at kapal ng mukha para mai-share yun. Again it's from my loving relatives.

dags - oooooohhhh. No one calls me that now. That's from elementary. I have very ugly teeth during elementary so my classmates call me that. T-T

- Done with the names. Next is my awkward reactions to thing:

(done for now, i'll continue someday)

I'm done. I've decided to let go of this anger and forgive. :)

It's been so long that I have been keeping this anger and hurt inside me. Though I am fully aware that it brings me no good I still chose to keep it. But now, I have gathered all the strength to let it go.

It's not easy. I have been keeping this anger for too long. Let's just say that it has embedded it's venom into the most inner part of my system. In order to sweep all of it from my life it will surely take time. And now, I am very willing to start the cleansing process. Everyone, all of us, are sure to have done some wrongs in our lives. Long as we know to repent and change for the better we are sure to be forgiven.

Today I shall start the process to forgive all the people that has caused me to be this fearful being that I am. :)

GODSPEED. <3

It is now raining. I don't know why, but every time the rain pours, my emotions want to break out.
Listening to Cristina Aguilera's HURT brings back memories. Memories, I once wish I never had.
"Nagtatanim ako ng sama ng loob". I don't forgive easily and I never forget the wrongs that people did to me.
I have a very dark past. A past I once wished never occurred. But, what can I do? They say these sad, sad memories and experiences will make us a better and stronger individual. But, why do I feel so weak?
I now realize that I blame too may individuals.
I am a person too weak too move on. Too weak to make my past as an inspiration. Instead, I let them be a burden that holds me from becoming the person I dreamed to be.
I am not able to open my heart to love. True, many things holds me from experiencing heavenly things such as love.


I am not reluctant to admit that I fear regrets. I do.
I fear regrets and rejections too much that I am not able to do things that will make me happy.

I once thought that I was strong. Oh boy, was I so wrong!


Now, I fear regrets even more. But unlike what I used to be, I shall use this fear to make me stronger. I will now slowly pave my way into forgiving the people whom I think did me wrong. This time, for real.

To myself, I shall inform you if i have been victorious.
'Till then be STRONG.

Keep Loving and don't be afraid that your love won't be reciprocated. Just love and love will lead you the way. :)

IT'S NEW YEAR ! ! !
Last year was really tough. All of the difficulties that I had experienced last 2010 was self-inflicted, this, I have learned to accept. For though many of them was caused by the people around me I could've avoided all the pain if only I hadn't let them do that. Besides all of the failures that I have experienced was solely because of my carelessness.
So, here are my NEW YEAR's RESOLUTION / PLAN :
My first priority would be studies. Thus I plan to study, study, study.
Actually I plan on drowning myself to studies. I'll study everything under the sun. I want to be one of the best with regards to the profession that I have chosen. So this year should be the start. YES, I'm going to be more,so much more than what I used to be, this year. This year shall be the start of something NEW. B)

Another thing is that I AM, (it's not just a plan) I AM GOING TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY. I WILL. B|

Then, my ♥ life. I plan on keeping that the way it is. Nothing. Empty, null. I am certainly happy with my social status. Come what may with my social life.
MAY GOD HELP ME AND MY FAMILY AND ALL THE PEOPLE THAT NEEDS HELP THIS YEAR JUST LIKE ALWAYS....


O;)